Karla's Jewel Box

Kitten Therapy

2008-11-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a kitten for all that ails you. Little Cleo is causing some chaos in our house right now, but she's so darn cute!

What's Been Going On

2008-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

I've tried to write and post several times in the last few weeks, but something keeps stopping me. I'm a fairly private person, and it is difficult to write to the internet about something so intensely personal. It's so tempting to put the whole thing under an academic glass and examine the cultural and sociological reasons why I've been so blocked by a recent diagnosis.

I was rediagnosed with PCOS a few months ago, after a horrible few weeks that led the doctors to first believe I was having a miscarriage. A miscarriage, though upsetting, was somewhat good news to me, since my husband and I have been trying for more than a year to get pregnant. The good part was that we actually could get pregnant.

However, the problem didn't go away. I felt worse and worse, and I knew something was wrong, so I went back to the doctor. After a few more tests, the doctor discovered that I had multiple cysts, one up to 3cm in size, and that I most likely have not ovulated properly in a long while.

I'm trying to remain optimistic through all this. I've been put on a few different medications to get everything back to normal, but I'm constantly thinking about the fact that this condition means that I may never conceive. Sociologically and culturally, this makes me less than a whole woman, and it is hard not to feel that sting personally. I'm trying to remain hopeful that we will be able to have at least one child eventually, but each month that goes by makes it tougher and tougher to maintain that optimism.

Creativity

2008-10-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately (as always) about creativity and what drives it. I think it's probably not a coincidence that most people who study literature only publish books about literature, instead of writing their own creative works. I can only think of a few off the top of my head (Toni Morrison, Anna Akhmatova) and I would certainly argue that they primarily wrote creative works with just a few analytical ones peppered in there.

I think learning to take literature apart, bring it down to the bare bones, takes some of the mystery out of writing. When I write something, my first reaction is to think that it seems contrived, that my literary devices are completely transparent. Nobody (especially not me) wants to read something completely transparent. Leave those pulp novels to the grocery store shelves - even in my "junk" reading I can't stand over-literal interpretations of the world.

I think this lies at the heart of my problem. I haven't written anything truly creative since I left Russia. I felt very inspired there, and looking into the window of another world fed my creative mind. This isn't that surprising - I often had to be extremely creative just to find solutions to every day problems. It's not surprising that it would inspire other creative ventures. Here, things are much more simple, and 4 years of studying theory has really numbed that part of me. Since returning from Russia, I've used my hands more to create things - sewing, crocheting, making jewelry, etc. I love doing these things, but don't entirely want to give up on my dream of publishing a novel some day. As always, there are so many barriers - time and inspiration being the foremost.

Blargh

2008-09-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sick, dizzy and uninspired. I'll post when I can go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose.

The Medium Matters

2008-09-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

Posting has been light lately because I've been having a few health problems that I don't really want to discuss here. I have to wait a few weeks to get back to the doctor for some follow-up anyway. Along with all that, though, I've been feeling somewhat blase about everything, which means uninspired.

However, I've thought to myself more than once that I would love to be able to express my creativity in painting landscapes. If I had any talent whatsoever, I probably would take it up. If my painting skills are anything like my drawing skills, however, I'd probably just end up with a bunch of stick figures on expensive canvasses. What I'd love to paint are the many moods of our mountains to express how I'm feeling.

Ever since I visited the Tretyakov Gallery, I've considered painting to be one of the more expressive art forms. I find it particularly amazing that painters can convey volumes with empty landscapes, such as this one by Ivan Aivazovksy (titled, Black Sea"

I consider myself fairly talented in a lot of artistic genres, and love working with my hands to create traditional "women's folk art," but painting, drawing, and other visually oriented arts have always eluded me. The theme that runs through everything I create is that it is useful. Perhaps my yearning to paint is a desire to create something that has no discernible use, but instead has only an aesthetic purpose.

So, readership, the question is, which art form would you take up in order to express yourself, if you had the talent?

Black Bear in Electronics Store!

2008-08-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

A bear tried to break in to a Circuit City in Colorado Springs. Awesome.

The story and video is here. (Image stolen from same location)

Obligatory Post

2008-08-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

I feel somewhat obligated to write and say, "Yup, still alive." In fact, I feel like my blog is full of occasional posts, and even more frequent excuses and promises to get better about blogging. This is another one of those posts.

Things have been rough the last few weeks. I will post something substantial sometime soon.

Typical

2008-08-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Judge rules that Sexual Harassment is necessary in Russia.

Update: The Curvature has done a great post on this -- much more than I could muster up the other day. Go read - it's a very interesting "outsider" analysis of the article.

Whirlwind Vegas

2008-08-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

I have been barely online this week after my whirlwind trip to Las Vegas to visit the Shannonsphere. I feel like I've hardly slept in the last few weeks because of life's duties and work, etc., and I certainly didn't get the chance to catch up on my sleep in Vegas, what with Shannon's wonderful dog Misha trying to share my pillow (and her farts) with me.

Isn't she cute (albeit a little blurry)?

There's nothing like waking up to a dog's face next to yours on your pillow and the sound of a dog fart on a wood floor. Wonderful. Almost as nice as getting your toes bitten while you sleep (which is what happens here at home). Aside from the farting and burping, I love her dog, and may post a funny video later of Misha howling.

I was also having WAY too much fun to sleep. We spent the weekend with Shannon's other friends, Stephanie and Simone, and had way too much fun. Almost makes me want to move to Vegas. Almost. The heat is too much for me to bear, though.

We picked bridesmaid dresses (this one is mine), and Shannon got an amazing designer dress on sale as well, though from a different store. I'll let her tell about that if she decides to....quite a triumph.

We also had a bit of fun trying on ridiculous prom dresses once the real work of finding dresses was over. It was so horrible, I can't bear to post pictures, though Shannon and Stephanie certainly had some magnificent ones on. Mine was a giant lilac colored cream puff. Or cupcake.

There was much karaoke and wine later that night. Earlier in the day, Shannon asked us how we knew when she was drunk. The answer was simple - She puts on funny hats, turns belligerent, and likes to pretend she's people she isn't and/or sing rap songs.

Can you guess what's happening here?

The next day we nursed our surprisingly small hangovers a little and then went to see the baby white tigers at Sigfried and Roy's Secret Garden (I think that's what it was called). They were adorable!

And that was the whole trip! Too quick for my taste. I always come away from visits with Shannon feeling confident that there's one person who gets me, gets where I 'm coming from, and spend the next few weeks lamenting that I don't have someone like that in Denver to goof around with. This isn't to belittle my relationship with my husband, but there's something about having a good female friend to goof around with, and that's something I don't have here in Denver. I haven't had that in a long time...probably since I came back from Russia. It's too hard to explain my perspective, and people get bored with stories about Russia after a while. It's easier with people who understand.

Out, but not Down

2008-07-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm off to see Shannon tomorrow! Not sure about the whole dress shopping thing (I hate finding things to fit my body, it's much easier to be the one helping someone else find stuff) but maybe it will be easy and I'll be pleasantly surprised.

See you after the weekend! Time to go pack my bag!

In the meantime, here's Dmitri to entertain you: In the interest of Balance, I've chosen a happy Dmitri for you this time:

Overheard - Stupid People

2008-07-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

I stopped this morning after Yoga at a popular bagel shop to get breakfast. When I pulled up, there were the usual idiots who seemed more stressed about parking places and getting there FIRST! One of these idiots, a middle-aged woman, practically ran through the restaurant to get in front of me. I gave her a nasty look, and then told myself to get over it, because I wasn't in that much of a hurry.

It was worth it, because the conversation she had with the people behind the counter was priceless. It was difficult not to laugh watching this scene unfold, and it became clear why she thought she had to get in front of someone who knew what they wanted.

Woman: Do you have an assortment of popular breakfast bagels here?
Girl: Yes, unless you want to choose your own, we have some already made up over at the counter there so you can pay and go.
Woman: No, I want BREAKFAST bagels. I heard you have a popular assortment of BREAKFAST bagels that you can pick up here, like, for an office.
Girl: Yeah, just go up to the register, we have them already prepackaged.
Woman: But I was told you had an assortment of BREAKFAST bagels.

The girl, obviously at a loss, turned toward her manager and asked if he knew what she was talking about.

Manager: I'm not sure I understand what you're driving at.
Woman: Breakfast bagels. I want an assortment of them.
Manager: You can either pick them out yourself, or pick up the prepackaged ones at the end of the line. We pack boxes of them to make it convenient.
Woman: But I want the POPULAR ASSORTMENT OF BREAKFAST BAGELS.

At this point, he just picked up the box that they had been trying to sell her the whole time and handed it to her.

Woman: Are there some popular breakfast bagels in here?
Manager: Yes.
Woman: I need two of them, then.

I don't know what the hell she thought they were trying to sell her. It was MORNING (generally a good time for breakfast) and she was in a BAGEL shop (the word bagel is in the title). Perhaps she thought if she didn't specify over and over again that she would be stuck with those Unpopular non-breakfast bagels. Or worse yet, they wouldn't be assorted.

Resolutions

2008-07-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about resolutions lately. Yeah, I know, I'm totally behind the curve. Resolution time was more than 6 months ago. Maybe I'm just ahead of the curve for the next year. It doesn't really matter.

Making resolutions at the beginning of a new year seems somewhat false, a tradition without much meaning, since it rarely marks the start of a new cycle of life. It signals the changing of a year, which isn't even symbolic of a threshold on any other level. We are not changing seasons, changing school years or anything else that would otherwise feel significant in the natural rhythm of the world according to our pagan ancestors, or anything in tune with modern life.

However, I do think that many people's lives take on a natural rhythm that may not sync up to anything else happening in the world. I've reached the end of one cycle and have enthusiastically jumped into my next cycle. When I finished my degree, I put one part of my life behind me and began to explore new territory. It seems natural, then, that I would be thinking about the ways in which I'd like this new cycle to be different, better, than what came before.

I started with the easy stuff: I want to have more fun. This one has been fairly easy - every weekend Chris and I have done something fun together, something made much easier with the aid of my new salary. Now that there's a little more fun in my life, it's easier to think about the other, more difficult resolutions I'd like to make.

Spiritually, I've felt a bit empty in recent months. I've never been religious, and I tend to avoid especially organized religions like the plague. I do, however, believe strongly in putting good things out into the world, and working on improving my own spiritual-ethical makeup. (I seem to have an aversion to the word "morals" and "values" and others that have been hijacked by the religious right to mean certain things - many of which I don't agree with).

My intent here is not to get sidetracked by the political B.S.

I've been taking baby steps to get myself where I want to. One of my first things (after having fun) was to get myself back to yoga to get stretched out, centered, and more energized. Two weeks in, and I'm doing and feeling a lot better. However, I realized the other day in class (well, at the end) that I have a lot of trouble opening up to people. The instructor was encouraging us to relax (relax your feet, relax your calves, etc.) and the last instruction was to "open your heart." I found, that, unlike relaxing my mind and my muscles, it was not something I could do easily, and just trying almost made me cry.

This is something I probably should have realized before now. This ephiphany took me completely by surprise on a Wednesday morning at 7:30 am. It was an epiphany that probably shouldn't have taken so long. The funny thing is, I don't know when it started. When I was young, I was very astute at reading people, and fairly open and trusting. But this openness has taken its toll over the years. I've absorbed too much of other people's bad energy, made it my own. There are people with the ability to give off a great deal of energy (good and bad) and there are people like me, who can take in enormous amounts of other people's energy. I know that sounds somewhat esoteric and almost as if I'm claiming some supernatural abilities. That's not how I intend it, but who knows what it really is. All I know is that I can read a person's "vibe" and understand how they are feeling. I can't tell what caused it, and most of the time I don't want to know, but I can feel the energy they put off. Living in the dormitories in college made me a mess.

This collateral damage of spending time with people has taken its toll on my ability to trust others and let others in. It's been much easier to ignore my intuition and build a wall around myself than it has been to learn to let things pass over me without affecting me. My answer has been to shut out, not to deal with, other people's pain.

I know this is the reason I probably won't teach much again - teaching for me also meant dealing with all the ambient "noise" in the room. By that, I don't mean the kid in the back who won't stop playing with his cell phone. I mean the emotional baggage that people bring to class with them along with their homework -- all the things that distracted my students on a daily basis also distracted me, pulled me down and left me feeling exhausted.

I also know this is the reason I've let friendships dwindle and become much more of a hermit. It is sometimes too taxing to struggle against your desire to care for someone, and caring for others often gets in the way of caring for myself. In seeking balance, I am trying to work through this defect of mine - learn to filter what makes it past the wall, because I feel like I'm missing out on some good things in my personal life, my marriage, especially when I don't put myself first.

So I suppose that's the long way of saying that I am resolving to find balance. To open my heart to the things that should get in, and to put up the wall when I meet those emotional vampires who want to drain me of my strength.

Dmitri is Displeased

2008-07-19T20:58:00.001-07:00

Damn humans! Always disturbing my naps!

Sick Day

2008-07-17T16:19:00.001-07:00

I left work today at 10am and came home to take a 4 hour nap. Blech. I'd prefer to have a day off when I am feeling well!

At least it isn't next weekend already - I am going out of town to see the amazing Shannonosphere.

Eat. Pray. Love.

2008-07-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

It has been a few years since I read a book purely for the enjoyment of it. Of course, in the last 5 years, I've read plenty of books I enjoyed during Grad school, but every single one of them was a requirement, not an impulse read.

Even the year I took off from school, I read not a single book. This shocked me, since I was an avid reader since I could read, and was a serious indicator on how the curriculum/environment was affecting the quality of my life.

I've been slowly stumbling through this book, reading it at lunch and at in-between times. It was a recovery book for me, one that encompassed the subject as well as embodying it for me. It was perfect for the task - with short (2-4 pages) chapters and an easy style that helped me pick up right where I left off. It still surprises me that I've only gotten through one book in the month since I graduated. Always, I've devoured books at the rate of one a week or more, and in school, I often exceeded 10 in a week (not always fiction, either). The forced reading, though I enjoyed much of it, definitely affected the way I viewed reading.

But Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, has allowed me to return to the pleasure of reading. It spoke to me on many levels, and I highly recommend the book, though it's left me with a severe wanderlust that only a true wanderer can feel. I'm aching to travel, get out of the country, go ANYWHERE. I'll conquer that as it comes, though.

In the spirit of her book, though, I think I will set out to seek a balance between devotion and pleasure, that for now, it is possible to devote myself to reading and studies in a way that still allows me the pleasure of reading, the pleasure of inhabiting someone else's mind and body for a while. Because that is the pleasure in reading, the pleasure in lingering over words and phrases: It allows you to inhabit another time, another place, to forget the body and the cares that you live with every single day.

A good book does this. when you read a good novel, you don't concern yourself with the things that need to be done. The laundry, the bills, the dishes, the cooking - it all melts away and you take on someone else's cares, someone else's life for a while. It's glamorous and escapist, all at the same time, and the primary reason I doubt myself as a writer. If we are all supposed to write what we know, then why would someone want to inhabit my boring, nonsensical world?

My friend Irene, when I tell her stories about my family and my experiences, says I should write about them. I still have trouble believing that they could be interesting to anyone outside my immediate circle of friends. I think this is the challenge facing me in the next months (years?): to become more present in my life and occupy all the spaces that make me uncomfortable, while simultaneously pursuing the selfish pleasure of inhabiting another space.

Add a Pinch of Random, Toss, and Enjoy

2008-07-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of random little things to blog about today - nothing spectacular.

Chris and I are headed up to Plainview soon (an area just outside the city) to watch the fireworks for all the cities in the Denver metro area. My parents are coming with us and we are planning on opening up a bottle of wine and hanging out with snacks.

I made spring rolls today for the first time for the occasion. Ingredients: Fresh lettuce, basil (from our garden), chives (also from our garden), pea sprouts, cucumbers, carrots, avacado and a bit of grilled chicken marinated in Sesame ginger marinade. Wrapping was a little iffy the first few times, but by the end, I produced a few normal-looking spring rolls (though I'm still positive I'd be thrown out of any Asian kitchen for my efforts)

Yum. Envy my dinner:

Add a little wine and fireworks, and we're ready to go.

Today I also started looking around for some schedules for some exercise places, etc. I have such a complicated relationship with exercise because of my past, and I'm really trying to find something that I will enjoy and that won't feel like a punishment or like I'm trying to make my body into something that it isn't. It's not that I hate exercise, just that certain forms of it bring up bad memories, and I am hoping to avoid those negative feelings and get myself back in the saddle. So to speak. I think I've pinpointed a few activities, and look forward to adding them in this week. I hope it will help my mindset and help me get through the work day without feeling stiff after sitting for 8 plus hours.

Oh, and, in closing, here's a picture of Dmitri. He is evil, you should fear him! Don't be fooled by the innocent look.

TV

2008-07-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

My new job hasn't left me too much time for TV watching. That, and I'm making a concerted effort to stop watching so much.

So when I turned on the tube for the first time in a few days, I started to get a little bit angry when I saw one of those commercials for the government grant to help families purchase a converter box for the changeover in February of next year.

I started thinking: Why a subsidy to make sure your TV still works when so many people are struggling with bigger problems like Gas, food prices and medical costs rising? I don't want to scoff at a $40 coupon, but it seems like our government should be putting that money toward something a little more useful. How about legislation to cap gas prices? Research how to make our existing cars more fuel efficient? Oh yeah, and about a million other things we could be doing.

I'll tell you why - a TV watching nation is a docile nation. Keep us entertained and we'll sit at home sucking in all those mind numbing toxins instead of getting out and doing something. I've been thinking more and more about my time in Russia - when I so rarely saw a television and didn't watch one for almost 2.5 years (sure, I saw it occasionally, but never fixed myself in front of it). I was so much more productive, I wrote a lot more, and my creativity seemed to be at a peak. It's convincing me that I should limit myself to only my most favorite shows and an occasional movie. Even surfing the internet is a little bit more educational and good for my brain than passively watching the things they feed me. Here at least it's easy to shut it off if I am not interested in what I'm reading.

Brain Jam

2008-06-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is a testament to my exhaustion. There are so many things trying to get out of my head right now that it's causing a brain-jam. Something like a printer jam, but more messy.

This week's "promotion" at work has been a bit maddening. I'll be glad when someone can alleviate a little of this account with a second pair of hands. So far, the second pair they have for me seems to be a little slower than I'd like. I think that I'm a little hard on people, though, because I am such a quick learner, I expect people to catch on as quickly as I do.

Tomorrow's goal: patience and a little less hours at the office. Is it a pipe dream to wish for both at once?

Katy Perry - A Pseudointellectual Discussion

2008-06-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

One of the things I loved about my degree was the opportunity to look at popular culture through the lens of theory. Gender theory and representation of sexual orientations in the media definitely intrigue me. I'm very interested in the way that we are sold our sexualities and gender representations almost as much as we are sold products (often we are sold the things under this guise as well).

When I heard Katy Perry's song, "I Kissed a Girl," (Video here - sorry, they wouldn't let me embed it)I was immediately curious. We so infrequently hear things on mainstream radio that appear to bend the rules of heteronormativity, that I wanted to explore why this song has made it to number 4 on the pop charts.* The song is interesting on a few levels, and is a kind of cute little song (though I do find the synthesized voice a little annoying). However, the song didn't intrigue me for it's musical qualities, but rather the message that it sends.

The song, however, is not as innocuous as it might seem at first listen and is slightly enigmatic. It presents desire and sexuality as socially constructed (good) but simultaneously offers up the bisexual woman to be scrutinized by the male gaze.

The fact that this song has become so popular so quickly says a lot about our current popular culture. Yes, she has a decent voice and the song is "catchy," which are always great indicators for how well a song will do on the pop charts, but I think the theme has something to do with it as well, and it might also be interesting to compare this "bad christian girl's" success with the success of other artists who are openly gay or lesbian (the Indigo Girls, for instance).

I believe that the male gaze has a lot to do with why this song is popular. The song isn't just about "kissing a girl." When you listen carefully to the words, you hear that it "isn't what she's used to" and she "hopes her boyfriend don't mind it." This places her desire firmly in the heterosexual camp, and identifies her desire as a phase: the words of the song even admit that this is an "experimental game," that she doesn't know the other girl's name, and that it's no big deal because it doesn't mean she's in love. This message has the serious potential to undermine anyone who believes that desire/sexuality is inherent, not a choice.

These are some of the things that went flying through my head as I drove home listening to this song for the first time. I was simultaneously applauding and rolling my eyes at the song. I was similarly torn watching the video: the opening of the video shows random sexualized shots of body parts and then pans up her body, which is positioned on the bed in a very 50's pin-up pose. And then there's that fantasy pillow-fight scene. You can't get any closer to the classic representation/fetishization of same-sex desire/women together. However, as I watched more, I chastised myself for criticizing it: there appeared to be no men in the video. Who was to say that this wasn't the female gaze in a parody of the traditional male gaze? I began applauding her (or her producers) for leaving men entirely out of the video, for making it just a tad more complex than pop culture might expect. Additionally, though they are dressed provocatively, the women in the video aren't even touching each other, which takes away the element of performance for the straight male. If you watch closely, you'll also see that she has her mouth covered with her hand every time she says the word "boyfriend." However, the last few moments (5 seconds) of the video indicate that my accolades on this note were a little premature. She wakes from her fantasy/dream and is in bed sleeping next to a man, presumably her boyfriend.

I'm still struggling with my analysis of this song. I keep changing my mind about it. Seeing the man in bed next to her at the end of the video was a disappointment. However, the look on her face at the end is extremely ambiguous and could probably be read in a multitude of ways. Does she look at him in disappointment and then smile as she settles back in to her fantasy since she is free to do so undisturbed? Or does she look at him and smile because she is reassured to be in bed with what she is "used to?" I resist the idea that I'm making too much of this, because pop songs are imbued so thoroughly with our cultural values (so as to quickly "sell") that they are a great purveyor of social context and popular values. This does not say that they are right in their representation, but they represent the things that people want to buy. I quickly perused a few of her other songs to see if I could get a feel for her as an artist overall, and am similarly perplexed/turned off by a few of her other songs. So much of what she says is either said tongue-in-cheek with a wink and a nod, or are completely purposeful and potentially offensive, and I haven't sorted out yet how we are supposed to take it. Each time I watch the video, I am more convinced of the former (she is, after all, petting a kitten in the beginning pin-up scene).

The reasons I like this song (irrespective of the musical value) have a lot to do with visibility in our culture. Bisexuality and bisexual desire is often invisible, both in the heterosexual arena and the gay and lesbian community (because with the exception of people who choose a polyamourous lifestyle, they are visible only as hetero- or homo- based on who they are in a long-term relationship with).

*According to Wikipedia, it rose to that position (#4) between April 28 and June 12.

Happy Freakin 4th - A Holiday Rant

2008-06-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

Just as I hit "post," the fireworks started in front of my house.

Wonderful.

Last year, the fireworks went on in the cul-de-sac in front of our house and in the one behind our house as if the kids on each street were competing to make the most noise. It started slowly - about 15 minutes a night, culminating in a 4-5 hour "show" for the few nights before, during and after the 4th. I bet between $1000-2000 in fireworks were spent during that time. Perhaps more: the noise was horrendous.

It's somewhat expected on the 4th, and perhaps a little on the 5th, when you spend your stash. I have no problem with this. However, I have several questions about the 3 week lead-in:

1) Why?

2) Why?

3) Why?

4) Where the hell do the kids/families get the money for these things?

I realize Chris and I are the crotchety neighbors in this case. But I have a few serious issues with it. 1) it's kind of dangerous - we found some pop bottle rockets on our roof and on our deck last year. Fire danger in Colorado in the summer is always high, and the last thing we want is a house fire. It's not a coincidence that most of the stuff they are setting off is illegal. 2) it scares the hell out of the cat and all the neighborhood animals. The dogs go nuts, and the cat hides under the bed or tries to sleep on top of me. 3) I'm of the old school that says that noise after 10 should be a rare thing. I don't call people that late, nor do I like to be called. I also don't like hearing lots of noise that late on a regular basis because we are both early to bed/early to rise kind of folks. I doubt the neighbors would appreciate us making that kind of noise at 6am. If we're expected to observe the quiet morning hours, our neighbors should do the same at night. I have no issue with the random party or noise on noisy holidays, like the 4th.

However, this smacks of the lengthening of holidays (like Christmas items appearing at Halloween, Valentine's day stuff appearing at New Year's) for the benefit of our consumerist society. Can't we just enjoy the holiday for the holiday and let it be special for it's "once-a-year" quality?

Changes...

2008-06-19T19:55:00.001-07:00

I haven't wanted to blog about work much, since that's kind of boring. Also, there's that whole thing about not wanting to be that girl who gets fired for blogging about work. However, it probably won't hurt to tell you what's happening, since it's a good thing.

I was hired to be the second on a big project that my company is doing for a big company (household name kind of company). Big project, and I was started out doing the random introductory/support kind of tasks. Well, the lead for this project resigned this week to take a job in another state. This is my third week. So, as of Monday, I'm going to be the lead on this project and they have hired me a "second." Not really an assistant, but someone to take over the support-level tasks so that I can attack the high-level tasks.

I'm kind of excited about this change, because it means big opportunities for me. Opportunities that generally take 3-6 months to earn with this company are mine by a stroke of luck. However, it's also a huge challenge: I haven't even been trained on some aspects of company policy, general workflow, etc. While I'm sure that will come, it is daunting to take on all of these new things at once, while also being the front-person for this big client.

In other news, I've been feeling creative, but haven't figured out what kind of outlet it should take. I've been working on a baby gift for my in-laws, which is going well...but who knows if they read this blog...so I can't reveal what it is or cute pictures of my progress. Sad as it is, I may need a deadline...

Part 4, Mesa Verde

2008-06-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

Mesa Verde is a national park/archeological site in the Southwest corner of Colorado. You can read about the history here. The sites the public is allowed to visit can be seen thoroughly in a 2 day period - there are 3 guided tours available (we only took one, due to some dizzying ladders - I don't do well with heights) and multiple sites/overlooks you can visit. Once again, I'm going to let my pictures tell most of the story. Unlike travel in Europe (or metropolitan areas) there are very few wacky stories to tell, since all the people you see are also traveling as tourists. We were able to take several hikes through some beautiful country:

However, the 8-900 year old cliff dwellings were the main attraction, and in amazing condition, especially considering that much of the damage was done by looters in the early 1900s:

An 800 year old handprint:

A low-flying Vulture:

The distant mountains (part of our earlier path):

I can't wait 'til our next vacation...

Part 3, The Million Dollar Highway and Molas Pass

2008-06-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

The Southern Colorado scenery is different from the Colorado Mountains I am accustomed to in the northern part of the state. It's hard to pinpoint the difference in my mind in concrete terms. For those of you familiar with Eastern Europe/Russia, I'll put it like this: The Northern half of the state are beautiful the way an average American girl is beautiful. The Southern part we toured remind me somehow of many of the Russian women I knew, who were beautiful in an a stilleto-heeled, in-your-face, see-through-outfit shocking kind of way. A poor analogy, I'm sure, but the intention is there. The beauty is stark, unyielding, brazen and utterly undeniable. Since the highway we drove from Ouray to Durango is mining country, I couldn't help but think about what life must have been like for the miners who lived in these mountains. Snow-covered even in late May, they were both the most beautiful and most foreboding mountains I've seen, including the Alps. In fact, we saw lots of these signs:

I say that because the Alps have a lived-in-for-centuries feel to them. Gorgeous, yes, but you don't feel like you would be the first to walk in a certain region if you strayed from the beaten path. (I will note that I obviously visited as a tourist in summer, so my view may be a bit skewed, but these are my impressions all the same.) The roads we drove frequently get closed through the winter, leaving the very few residents stranded and snowed-in. It's easy to imagine how difficult a miner's life would have been during the gold rush (although I think these mountains yielded silver...).

Though we had originally planned to take the "quick way" home, we changed our minds after seeing this gorgeous scenery (not to mention the mistakes made by google maps). You can see the difference just a few days makes in the snow melt:

I think that's enough photos for now. I took so many gorgeous shots (to be attributed to the scenery, not to my camera wielding abilities) that I can't possibly post them all.

Next: Part 4, Mesa Verde

P.S. Click the photos to make them bigger.

Part 2, Ouray

2008-06-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

Once we gave up on our Black Canyon trip and moved on to our hotel for the evening, it was only a short drive to the Wiesbaden. This is one of those rare hotels that exceeds your expectations. I booked it primarily because of my husband's aversion to public pools, and their neat vapor cave in the basement. However, I can't recommend this hotel enough to anyone traveling in the Ouray area. It was quiet, centrally located and had those extra amenities (in other words, we didn't have to wander down the street to use the public hot springs pool, which had it's fair share of kids. This was more of a romantic place with modest, clean accommodations. We even took advantage of the private hot-tub outside in the evening. Though it had hailed and snowed earlier in the day, the outdoor tub was well worth the hourly fee - both for the romance factor and taking in the beauty of the mountains.

Ouray is surrounded in a giant circle by mountains. It is a tiny town (here's a view from above from our second day:

And a shot from in front of our hotel:

And for you Russophiles, I couldn't resist taking a shot of this liquor store from main street:

(For anyone who doesn't know, an "apteka" is a drug store, a place to get your prescriptions filled. Very fitting that a liquor store would bear the name.

Ouray was a great introduction to the relaxing part of our vacation. It said, "Hey, you're here, and there's not a whole lot to do, so why don't you sit back and enjoy the world around you." And that's what we did.

Next: Part 3, The Million Dollar Highway and Molas Pass

P.S. Click the photos to make them bigger.

Memorial Day Jaunt, Part 1

2008-06-11T06:29:00.001-07:00

I'm finally getting a chance to post about our awesome trip on Memorial day weekend. It's taken so long (here come the excuses) because my laptop decided to kick the bucket right before we left. It's taken a week or so for me to a) get a new one and b) get the damn thing loaded with all my favorite software. I'm finally at cruising altitude (I think, though there are still a few settings I'd like to figure out) and other than crappy Vista crashing my stuff all the time, I'm doing well.

On to the trip. Chris and I have had some major get-out-of-town bugs in our pants for a while, and back in February I booked us a short trip to celebrate my Master's degree and escape for a few days in a half-camping/half-hotel style vacation. Camping activities and hiking with the reassurance of dry lodging in the unpredictable Colorado May weather. I printed out our maps before our trip (I think this may have been the last task my laptop ever performed) and we took off on Friday morning. We tried to leave at 8, but we returned to the house 3 times to get things we'd forgotten, so we actually left more around 9. Sounds annoying, but this is one thing I really love about traveling with my husband. As long as there are no flights to catch, we try to be as agenda-less as possible, allowing us maximum flexibility in our choices. We make tour reservations only when it is absolutely unavoidable. This is a completely different experience than I had as a kid traveling with my dad. For him, it's all about the destination - we have to hurry up and get somewhere, and then once we get there, we can be slow and lazy until we reach that point where we have to hurry up and get somewhere again. It's a vacation punctuated with insane bursts of activity that centers on getting somewhere as fast as possible because someone has lolly-gagged too long!

So, we took a leisurely drive through the Colorado mountains for...oh...7 hours or so. Thanks to google maps, we actually drove an extra 100-150 miles (Thanks, Google!) and had to stop for directions twice (oh, yes, and a paper map). At least the scenery was beautiful. I just wish that they hadn't told us to go West instead of East on highway 60.

I'm getting ahead of myself. As we were crossing the I-70 Vail pass, we heard a popping sound that made us both (but me especially) jump out of our skin. It sounded like a gunshot inside the car, but took us a short while to figure out what had happened. After realizing that the car itself seemed to be intact, we both relaxed a little and started searching for the source of this noise, and when we did, we didn't stop giggling for a few miles. Apparently, the rise in altitude was too much for a bag of chips I brought along, and the whole thing exploded. The entire side seam popped (dramatically) and chips had burst out into the box with the rest of our food in it!

Our final destination was Mesa Verde, but the first day consisted of driving to a small town called Ouray to stay in a small B&B with a hot springs cave in the basement. I had never been to this town before, but have decided that it is probably one of the most beautiful places in Colorado and would LOVE to retire there (or become independently wealthy and purchase a summer home there, whichever comes first). About 30 miles from there is a national park called The Black Canyon of the Gunnison.

Also gorgeous. The weather there got a little weird for some reason right after we had lunch at this beautiful spot:

and we had a great time stopping at the points of interest and dodging hail as we ran out to take pictures! It's tough to find pictures that really convey the majesty of this place. The chasms are awe-inspiring and make you feel small, insignificant in the time it took for our earth to mature.

Most of our hail pictures didn't turn out (at least not on my camera) but I will leave you with a cute one of my husband's behind as he runs back to the car (look closely at the fencepost and you can see a suspended-animation hail-ball):

Next: Part II: Ouray

P.S. Click the photos to make them bigger.

On Self-Esteem

2008-05-29T20:23:00.001-07:00

The last several years have been difficult for me. In fact, even though I can say that I'm genuinely satisfied with the course my life has taken, I've had to face some pretty strange demons. Peace Corps was an amazing experience, and I left Russia with a sense of accomplishment, a sense that I had done something truly incredible with two years of my life. As Tara said in her post the other day, it is often difficult to explain what the experience meant/means, and much of it was just existing, which makes its significance even more difficult to explain.

One of the more difficult parts of the readjustment process was coming to terms with other people's reaction to it. They 1) didn't care at all; 2) didn't understand what that really meant; and 3) didn't value the experience. In fact, if you ask more people what they think is a more significant achievement: graduating from college or living through Peace Corps, many of them would choose the former. Those of us who were there would likely choose the latter.

As usual, I get to my point via a circuitous route. I had a tough time getting a job when I returned, and ended up working odd jobs and temp positions for about a year, maybe more. The jobs kept me busy and fed, and I didn't mind it. Nobody valued Peace Corps as "work experience," though we did, in fact, occasionally do work and engage in worthwhile activities. So I went to graduate school, and had a horrible time: my fellow students, though they claimed to be interested in cultures and literature and history, etc., didn't value the practical application of these skills. The emphasis on pure academics put me behind the curve, and I felt myself (there's a Russlish-ism for you!) an outcast in every sense of the word. If the negative faculty had their way, I would never have graduated with my MA.

These two things: an inability to find a good job, and the complete devaluation of an experience that I considered monumental in the formation of my adult personality and world view, have not been good for my self esteem. Finishing the degree and now (as of today) finding a job in a field I'm interested in and that has growth potential has done wonders for my self-esteem. It makes no difference if I love the job or not in the months that follow: It is great to finally see my work paying off and to find that there really are companies out there that value the diverse experience I have. I'm hoping that this forward-moving trend continues.

Not Gone, Just Busy

2008-05-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the light posting for a few weeks. I don't even know what I've been doing, other than frantically sending out resumes, spending tons of time outside (I swear, I will load my new camera software and post pics soon!) and just being. It's very odd to not have this panic at all hours of the day, this feeling that I must be doing something else, that there are hundreds of pages to read and words to underline and comments to write. It's a very good feeling indeed, and I'm curious to see if I ever begin missing it.

I picked up my last term paper from a professor yesterday, and he wrote something very nice on it. Nice words are hard to come by sometimes. It gave me a little boost this morning when I finally pulled it out of the envelope to take a look. There certainly were some criticisms as well, but all in all, an offer for a recommendation letter to a PhD program (without solicitation) is never a bad thing!

In other news, Chris and I are out of town this weekend! Going to Mesa Verde, Canyons of the Ancients, Black Canyon and to take a dip in some hot springs along the way. National park extravaganza! It's only 4 days, but it may be the only vacation we get this year. While I'd love to go abroad again, it's just not in the stars yet!

Busy Weekend - Friday Edition

2008-04-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

For THREE WHOLE DAYS I did not think about school. I eschewed grading, reading student emails from students, writing papers, reading books and anything that remotely resembles an academic pursuit. And. it. was. glorious!

Friday, I spent the morning doing a little housework and goofed around for long periods of time on the internet reading blogs, some news and generally playing around. Thrilling, I know! I spent the afternoon shopping and...um...thieving. I should clarify... I went to one of our local home improvement stores on Friday afternoon to pick up paint sample cards. It was surprisingly busy for a weekday and had to park in the back half of the parking lot. There were probably closer spots, but sometimes I forgo those closer spots to avoid dealing with people wandering with their shopping carts. In the space next to me there was this gorgeous (seemingly abandoned) garden cart with the price tag still on it ($125). I noted both its presence and its potential usefulness for a husband obsessed with yard work and filed the idea away in my brain as a possible birthday gift later in the summer.

You can probably see where this is going. After about an hour in the store (I got the paint samples and did some pricing and bought a few rose bushes) I returned to my car. The aforementioned cart was still sitting in that space, calling to me. I called my husband and the conversation went as follows:

Me: I'm having a moral dilemma.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I'm at *store name* and there's this garden cart that appears to be abandoned. It's been here the whole time I was in the store, and I kinda want to take it home.
Him: What kind of garden cart?
Me: It's green, kind of looks like a wheelbarrow, says it has a 1000 pound capacity and has sides that flip down. I thought it was broken, but was able to put it back together. It's really cool and big and I think you would like it. But I don't know if it belongs to someone. Nobody's around and it's been here for at least an hour.
Him: Did it just blow out of the garden center or something?
Me: No, it's too far back in the parking lot for that. It has dirt in it and just looks like someone unloaded their flowers and forgot to load it up after buying it.
Him: Put it in your car!
Me: Aright, but it's your fault if I get in trouble!

Do you like how I foisted the moral dilemma off on him? Yeah, me too. So, after a major struggle to get this thing into my hatchback, I left the parking lot (let's just say I had to stand up front and hold it in, while reaching another arm back to push down the lift gate). Another few inches and the handle would have been around my gear shift.

If there is karmic retribution for this, I hope it is swift and not too fierce. I also hope that I didn't cause someone too much grief if they returned for it later in the day. I am generally of the honest type that would take it back into the store and report it "found," but felt that the store would probably just restock it after a day or so, and that it wouldn't reach the right owner anyway. I never would have taken the cart under certain circumstances (would not have stolen from the store, and did not steal it without giving the owners a certain amount of time to return for it). However, something came over me when I saw this cart, and I desperately WANTED it.

The cart came in very handy over the weekend, but that's another post and I shall update with pictures soon.

I Have no Words

2008-04-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Rush Limbaugh has called for riots in Denver during the Democratic National Convention in August.

He of course denies inciting violence and says he was only "dreaming." What's really bizarre about his "fantasy" is that he believes it would make the left look bad:

Limbaugh said with massive riots in Denver, which he called "Operation Chaos," the people on the far left would look bad.

"There won't be riots at our convention," Limbaugh said of the Republican National Convention. "We don't riot. We don't burn our cars. We don't burn down our houses. We don't kill our children. We don't do half the things the American left does."

As if. I regularly dream of burning down my house and killing my own children. If only the Democratic convention would come to town so that I can make this lifelong dream a reality. In fact, if a riot does occur in Denver (especially after this publicity)it isn't the left that will look bad. Why would we want to endanger our own candidates? In fact, I plan on avoiding downtown at all costs that weekend. I don't want to deal with potential traffic and parking, much less this.

What I find even more disturbing than Limbaugh's public fantasy is the poll on the website above. The results as of right now are as follows:

Do you think Rush Limbaugh crossed the line when he hoped for riots during Denver's DNC convention?
Choice Votes Percentage of 10417 Votes
Yes. 3991 38%
No. 6426 62%
Thanks for taking part in our survey. Check back later for completed results.

62% of the people who read that article and voted thought Rush was justified. At least 6426 people, which I suppose is enough to cause some sort of a riot. I am so ashamed of the world I live in right now.

Relaxing

2008-04-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

I've been absent from the internet a little in the last week or so. In case you're wondering, I did pass the thesis defense...I've been enjoying...what's that word, again...? Oh, yeah, a "life." Not that I've done anything productive. I've caught up on new episodes of The Office and Battlestar Galactica,* done a little light housework, including switching our office with our guest room and helped Chris with a few things outside. Granted, I'm still working a week that consists of 6 days of about 10-12 hours...but that one day off is so wonderful!

I've also had quite a bit of interest in my resume, including a few interviews. The prospects for having a job shortly after I graduate are starting to look good. Just another week of hard work, then it's all time-filler. As of next Wednesday, I'm done with teaching, my course work (finishing the final paper this week) and all other menial school-related tasks. I should even have 2-4 days of "vacation" in there should I choose to start working right away.

*WTF was up with that cliff-hanger last week! I must know what happens next!!!

Lost

2008-04-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

The last year or two I've been plagued with indecision about my future, and the last few months, this feeling of lost has been subsumed by my work on my thesis. Now that I'm pretty much finished with this degree, I'm starting to feel a similar paralyzing self-doubt and fear that whatever I move on to do won't be "good enough."

My mom, like many mothers, brought me up telling me I was destined for great things. Her argument was all the more convincing because of some circumstances of my childhood: I miraculously survived a fall out a 2nd story window as a two year old (I had a broken nose, concussion, and spent some time in the hospital, but otherwise I was fine). I believed her until a few years ago. I think my disillusionment in this notion was simultaneous with the realization that most people in my graduate program were jerks. Everyone seemed to believe they were destined for great things, and tried to climb all over each other as a result. My response was to quietly and slowly remove myself from the antagonistic terrain and reevaluate how I felt about myself. I naively believed in destiny, which did not seem to serve me well with my new colleagues.

At the same time, I was subject to some blatant discouraging words from professors in my department, who shockingly intimated that I was not "meant" for the program. All in my first few semesters, when I was still playing "catch-up" from my time out of the country, my less-than-rigorous undergraduate degree and spending time in a new relationship. When I sought help, first from these faculty members, then from others, I was discouraged at every turn. Though I wanted to do the work, none of them wanted to take the time to tell me which books to read to make up for my "deficiencies." Other graduate students looked at me knowingly and stopped inviting me to social or academic activities.

This all became too much and I decided to leave. I wasn't sure at that point what I was doing, so I filled out the appropriate paperwork to take a year off. I was so discouraged by my adviser (who disparaged my work at every turn, instead of guiding me toward the expected result) and the program and the general feeling I got from being at the university that I was ready to quit the program 2 courses shy of my Masters.

I have never quit anything in my life. I have done things in my life far more difficult than read, write and participate in intellectual discourse. I survived 2 years in Russia (not the most hospitable place, to be sure) and then said, "Thank you, may I have another." Adversity has never scared me (much) before, but for some reason, the culture of graduate school really got me down. I took my year off, working a "regular" job while I evaluated my options. When it came due, I paid my new deposit on returning to school, though I hadn't decided yet whether or not to return. Obviously, in the end, I did return, and have made the most of it, because this failure to complete my degree was really affecting my overall self-esteem, making me feel as if I had completely and utterly failed.

In the last year I've had to learn the hard way how to juggle coursework, teaching and something else that grad students are not supposed to desire or have: a relationship outside the academic community, much less a spouse. Because I just wanted to graduate, I put a lot of my family life on hold, making my husband pick up the slack in housework, and making him spend lots of time alone. My social life was practically nil as well, and I attended only major functions (birthdays, etc.).

Despite all of these obstacles, there is something in me that wants to continue. I've had a pretty good semester (lots of hard work, it's true) because I have gotten a small taste of what it feels like to work independently on a project I am interested in. Academia certainly affords these kind of privileges (while also taxing you in other ways). There is a kind of satisfaction in my project that I haven't gotten from work I've done out in the "real world," where all my work goes to support someone else's dream that I am more or less expected to buy into and uphold without a significant reward.

For that reason, I'm a little lost right now. Do I throw my hat in the ring yet again this fall and apply to finish climbing this academic mountain, or do I pursue other interests in an attempt to find other meaning in my life? I'm so afraid of someday resenting the things that might keep me from going through with it (family life, etc.) but I am also afraid of losing those things by selfishly pursuing a dream that might not pan out.

What I do know is that I am looking forward to time off, weekends to do what I want to do (instead of overflow homework), evenings at home with my husband. I'm looking forward to having a social life again. But I'm not looking forward to the daily drudgery of working to support someone else's vision, an environment driven by tasks devoid of stimulating intellectual conversation about real sociological (and literary) issues. I hope it all becomes clear before the deadline for reapplying this December.

Another Thing Checked Off

2008-04-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm still around, just busy making a list, checking it twice. Only I'm not wearing a giant red suit and distributing gifts. My list of things to finish before May 9 is getting shorter each day.

I passed my Spanish Translation exam (hoorah!) so there's one more requirement out of the way. I defend my thesis on Monday. I have one more paper to write for the seminar course I'm taking. And I'm absent from the internet right now because I'm trying to wade through a sea of papers that need to be graded. It is literally the size of a ream and a half of paper when stacked all together, because I put it off for a few weeks when I was attempting to get my thesis turned in. I don't necessarily regret it, because that time was really important at the time. However, I will definitely remember this feeling: utter hopelessness when faced with page after page of papers to correct, grade and write comments on. Each week's grading isn't too bad, I can generally get through it without too much bother or nausea. But 3 weeks of papers, plus a term paper and a quiz...the nausea builds very quickly. It's just one more task to wade through, and then I will start working on my last paper.

The joy, it overflows...

Bits and Pieces

2008-03-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

The big news of the day is that I'm done. D-O-N-E. Ok, well, almost. I still have to go to the store and get a ream of paper to print out 5 copies of my monster so that I can hand it out to my various committee members tomorrow. Defense in 2 weeks, party to soon follow!

My life is so full of excitement. In honor of being (mostly) finished, I did absolutely NO school work yesterday. We spent the day cleaning another one of the messes we inherited from the previous owner of this house. Friday, the water heater decided to die. It apparently rusted out and the bottom cracked open. This was a problem because:
1) The previous owner installed laminate flooring in the basement. We knew this was an issue when we bought the house, but made plans to put in carpet "sometime" and to put linoleum in the utility room/bathroom when we made those changes.
2) Said laminate flooring in the utility room (between the water heater and the drain) is now looking like wet cardboard, despite our best efforts.
3) We didn't really want to spend the money on a new water heater.

The joys of home ownership, right?

So we got it replaced. There was a ton of sediment in the old one, apparently (About 15 pounds) because the previous owner had never had the rods changed out (which you do about every 4-5 years - who knew?) and the rod installed still had the plastic coating on it. It was 17 years old (installed 1991). We're calling him (the previous owner) Captain Half-ass now.

Captain half-ass had also installed a trellis (the outdoor kind) in front of the hot water heater. This is something we've been meaning to get around to fixing, but haven't really known how to go about it. While the tech was here installing the new one, I questioned him about what we could replace the trellis with. Initially, he said that it was a good idea because the hot water heater needs ventilation. However, when I mentioned the possibility of installing a shuttered door, he said that would be a good idea too.

Chris and I headed over to Resource (a local building materials re-purposing yard) and picked out a perfectly sized plantation shutter and installed it over the empty hole. We have to seal the hole at the top with drywall or a vent, but all in all, it's a huge improvement from the creepy-looking trellis. (Pictures forthcoming)

I'm looking forward to more home-improvement this summer. Our back yard fence was scheduled for the next few months, but that might have to wait now that we hemoraged a bit of cash for the water heater.

Proved myself WRONG

2008-03-27T07:52:00.001-07:00

Remember that blog post a week ago, when I said I'd probably finish at oh...19,000 words? I totally proved myself wrong. I'm sitting at 25,388 and I need a conclusion.

Yeah, so 27,000? I had no idea I had that much to say about anything. Wow.

Oh yeah, and I promise I will stop obsessing over the thesis as soon as I turn it in. It's just ALL I DO right now. Bear with me another 5 days or so...Monday's the turn-in date.

Constructive Criticism

2008-03-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Wish I could send this to my previous advisor:

It Has a TITLE!

2008-03-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

So, after about 17,500 words, I finally thought of a title to my thesis. I know, I know - it's a long time to wait for something so simple. I had the second half (i.e. what it's about) a while back, but was having trouble coming up with something short and catchy for the front half. It took me a while to find a few simple words that embodied my three thematic elements, but finally found it this morning!

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

"The Beast's Wife: Sexuality, Gender and the Other
in Twentieth-Century versions of "Beauty and the Beast"

I have a strange desire to say "Ta-Da!" I think that those three little words sum up the three elements I'm trying to combine. In those words, we have sexuality (heteronormativity), gender roles (i.e. wife), and ideas of the other (she is not herself, she is defined in her relationship to him). I'm guessing I'll be sitting at 19 or 20,000 words by the time I'm all finished. Not so bad for a few month's work. Just a little more to go!

A Long Rant

2008-03-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

I had an experience last night that has been irking me for hours. I took a (much needed) break from writing and hard work to go out with some friends from my last job to celebrate a birthday. Since Spring Break started for me yesterday, I felt like I was justified in taking a little time to relax before hitting the last revisions on my thesis hard. We were having a great time hitting a few bars, having a little wine. We ended up at a local college bar, which was pretty dead, and set up camp near a golfing video game.

The birthday girl loved the game, and so we all started playing rounds of golf. Fun game, very easy and entertaining when you're buzzed. However, in the way of most video games, the avatars were very limited. You could choose your "gender" and skin/hair color, but that's about the extent of the variation: both men and women were supermodel thin. I picked a female avatar with red hair. The first time it came up on screen, the birthday girl (who is naturally thin like my husband and complains of not being able to gain weight) says behind me "Oh look, Karla, you've lost weight! Look how cute you are!" Without thinking, I just retorted back that "I'm cute anyway."

Since I was facing the machine, I didn't have the benefit to see anyone's facial expression at either comment. All of us that night (with the exception of the person who made the rude comment) were what many people would consider "overweight" but not extremely so (median size of all the women was probably a 16).

Interestingly, the only other person who said something was the husband of one of the other women, who said something along the lines of "You tell her!"

I have several problems with this situation: a) I'm either cute or I'm not, my size has nothing to do with it; b) you either want to hang out with me, or not, again, my size should have nothing to do with it; c) why do people think it's permissible to make comments about weight when they might not make comments about another physical attribute. Think about how asinine it would sound to say: "Too bad you have that giant birthmark on your face, you might be cute otherwise."

It's not a mistake that I am highlighting an inherited trait, one that someone (without surgery) has no control over. I've come to realize over the last few years that my weight is not necessarily something that can be controlled without eating-disorder-like habits. I've struggled with my weight since puberty, and the only time I came close to being thin was a time when I had tendencies that leaned sharply towards an eating/exercise disorder.

In college I had a boyfriend who felt exactly like this "friend" did. I'd be an acceptable girlfriend, one he could introduce his friends to, if only I lost a "little more weight." At my thinnest, I was a muscular 170, but could never break that barrier, even with scary eating habits and working out 2-3 hours a day. Looking back at pictures, I feel like I looked pretty hot, though it was never enough for him.

Thankfully, I got out of that relationship into one where I'm appreciated for the things that actually matter as we grow older: my personality, my mind and my giving spirit. However, I have issues with exercise to this day: going to a gym still reminds me of that emotional pain and the frustration I'd feel after working out every day for a few hours for months at a time and not seeing the scale budge. This is an issue I'm working on, which is easier now that I realize what causes all my anxiety any time I try to set up an exercise or eating plan for myself.

This is the real crux of the issue: Society says it's ok to denigrate people for weight because there's a perception that we can control our weight and body size. To some extent, I believe this is true, which is why, though I eat heartily, I also like to eat healthily. However, I also strongly believe that body type and predisposition for a certain weight is genetically determined. All one has to do is take a look at my husband and his mother side by side (they have exactly the same body shape - thin). Or take a look at my dad and I (and my brother) next to each other. Any exercise makes any of us very muscular, but never thin, and instead of getting flabby, we get dense and thick when we gain weight. I admit I'm on the high side of my natural "range," but it's pretty natural, considering I've spent probably 70+ hours per week in the last 3 months sitting in front of my computer writing. When I'm done with the semester and get back to doing some physical activities that I love, I'm sure my body will self-adjust.

But here's a final bunch of questions I've been pondering lately: Why is that (my weight) anyone's business but my own? Why does our society value thinness over other intellectual qualities in women? Why is it that women, as they gain intellectual standing and more rights in this country, are asked to take up less space? (It's certainly no coincidence that it's almost impossible to find a women's suit in a size above a 16, a real problem for someone who needs to go up a jacket size because of large shoulders). Women are only accepted for their intelligence as long as they are also beauty queens, or at least conforming to society's standards of beauty.

There is Light at the End of the Tunnel...

2008-03-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

And, surprisingly, I don't think it's a train...

I'm at 45 pages. About 30 of them are solid, the rest needs another revision...

I've been working on a few post ideas, but have been trying to use all my productivity (and creativity) to write thesis pages. Something will probably be forthcoming very very soon...

But, first, I'm going to sleep in for a few days!

Hilarious and Distracting!

2008-02-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

The guys over at Shakesville posted an episode, and now I'm hooked on these episodes of Mr. Diety.

Progress

2008-02-25T16:07:00.000-08:00

I swear I'm making progress on my thesis, just maybe not as much as I should.

I have 25 days 'til it's time to turn the whole thing in. I'm 17 pages in (about halfway through).

It's crunch time, baby! I've had a few good ideas for blog posts, started writing a few, but feel it is best to focus on the deadline now that I'm not super sick anymore.

See you in 3 weeks and 4 days!!!

Going on 30...

2008-02-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my 30th Birthday. Somehow 29 was a much bigger deal - I guess I came to terms with the big 3-Oh when I realized it was approaching quickly.

I'm super sick right now with the virus going around, but I'm still convinced that my 30s are going to be a great decade...Time to move on after I finish my degree and plenty to accomplish in the coming years! Yay!

Happy birthday to me!

Life On Hold

2008-01-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, the last week or so has been a whirlwind, and Creativity (and life) is now on hold again. The first week of classes I seriously considered staying for the Ph.D. We're now in week 3, and I remember why I needed that year off. I've had absolutely no time with my husband this week: just about every waking moment has been me immersed in some sort of school obligation: homework; thesis; grading, etc....

The only comfort in all of this is that it will soon be over. This is the one big last push, a dash towards the mid-late March deadline on my thesis. Once that's done and defended, everything else is just cake. Of course I will be busy until mid-May, but what's left after the thesis shouldn't keep me busy past a reasonable 40 hours a week. Until then, the house is staying messy and I'm giving a lot of my responsibilities a few months off, either that or giving them to my husband. I'm going to try to keep posting in random moments of quiet (I don't have to be anywhere or do anything for another 15 minutes! And I'm done with the homework for the week, at least until tomorrow when I start on next week's!)

There will definitely be a party sometime in May. A big one. And I shall have so much fun that I forget my name!

Nostalgia

2008-01-18T16:20:00.000-08:00

Looking at pictures like these, from Andrew Ozmin, (Courtesy of English Russia) makes me feel incredibly nostalgic for Russia.

I don't know what city these were taken in, and I don't think I've ever been to these places. However, all of the photos posted at the above site speak to me somehow (including the ones I've posted here). While living in Russia, I was always struck by the juxtaposition of the two sides of "outside" life. There was the beautiful, the aesthetically pleasing churches, monuments and culturally important sites. And then there was the dirty, sometimes depressing exteriors of buildings lived in, but long abandoned to and destroyed by the elements. When you add to that the vibrant, often overly patterned interiors of these buildings, it slowly became clear to me why I found the world in Russia so fascinating.

Without generalizing too much, I believe it was this: Exteriors did not matter to the average person. What mattered to most was the life inside the home, inside the mind, inside the soul. This of course, did not apply to a woman's appearance, but when does it ever...?

I leave you with another hauntingly beautiful photograph:

Another Short Update

2008-01-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

Semester's in full swing - I've had a chance to teach once to each of my classes, meet a second time with my thesis advisor. All that remains is attending my Lit Theory class for the first time and check out the syllabus. The race (countdown?) for graduation begins!

Thesis Time

2008-01-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

I finally had a chance to sit down with my advisor yesterday and pound out a plan and timeline for my thesis. Wow. The next 3 months are going to be BUSY! I am going to try to keep blogging a few times a week, but the thesis will become priority no. 1 for the duration of the semester.

Wish me luck!

Procrastinating Already

2008-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

My Inner Superhero:

Make your own at HeroMachine

Resolutions

2008-01-02T07:47:00.000-08:00

I'm going to bypass the normal resolutions this year (get healthy, lose weight, exercise more) since these goals seem to perpetually follow me -- they aren't just January resolutions. This year, I've decided to instead focus on some realistic goals for the year 2008. Perhaps by doing this, I can avoid the feeling of failure I feel at the end of every year when I haven't achieved my lofty goals.

Goal 1: First and foremost, I want to graduate from my Master's program. This might sound like a "given" but in the next 5 months, there's a thesis and (crap) a thesis defense. This is what I need to focus on 100% and needs to be the biggest priority in my life.

Goal 2: Find a good job with an honest company upon completion of my degree.

Goal 3: Pay off some debt with job in #2. By the end of the year, I'd like to have at least one of my debts paid off (Any).

Goal 4: Finish my business proposal. I have a good business idea, but need to present it to some people to get some money to start. I'd love to have the whole package completed and ready to present by the start of '09.

I think that's enough for the time being: I want to focus solely on my degree for the time being. Once #1 is out of the way, I will set some additional goals, but don't want anything to distract me from that all-important goal.

Merry (late) Xmas

2007-12-28T15:12:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone out there had a good holiday season. Ours was wonderful and I'm still distracted somewhat by the whole thing, as my parents are in town for another week...then off to Vegas for a weekend to spend some time with Shannon, since Chris and I had to put off our thanksgiving trip.

More posting soon - Beginning work on my thesis, which leaves little time for creativity of any type. May 9 will be circled with a big red marker on my new calendar once I get it hung up: Graduation day is going to feel VERY sweet!

Done!

2007-12-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

One more semester under my belt....

Woo hoo!

Dreams

2007-12-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today I made excellent (better than expected) progress on my paper. It certainly is amazing what I can get done when I have no other pressing items on my agenda. If I could afford to continue on through the Ph.D. without having to work or teach, I probably could accomplish it with quite a bit of enthusiasm. However, that's the definition of a pipe dream. Not that I've ever smoked opium, but if I think I'll ever have the opportunity to finish a Ph.D. without any other distractions/responsibilities/interests, I might as well be. I suppose it could be a possibility if I won the lottery (I never play) but I'm sure I'd find plenty of other distractions if it did happen by some remote chance.

Speaking of dreams, last night was full of strange ones. Of course, now that the day has passed and I've thought of so many other things, I can't remember most of them. I do, however, remember two of them about our cat. In the first dream, he had a job working in an office building. The position was appropriate for his skill level: his job was to catch mice. However, Dmitri was required to wear a suit (tie and all) for the activity. He looked rather dashing...for a cat!

The other dream was more anxiety-ridden and realistic(?). Dmitri wanted to go outside for some reason, and got outside and jumped the fence to the front yard and ran out into the street. Pretty realistic, except I had the impression (as one does in dreams) that we had had an agreement, had come to an understanding (by discussing it, of course) that he wouldn't leave the back porch. He was deliberately flouting the rules and was somehow laughing at me. Evil little Monster!

Proof of the evil that lurks inside him:

(This picture is what Chris and I lovingly refer to as "the first evil" and comes from a set of Dmitri's "baby" pictures. The first evil appeared a few weeks after we got him, after he'd burned through a few of his 9 lives being very sick and came out the other side a spunky, sweet and sometimes evil kitty).

Paper Time!

2007-12-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

The final paper for this semester's course is due at 3:00 on Friday. My goal is to have it finished by Wednesday night or sometime Thursday so that I can throw myself into holiday prep. I have a few gifts left to put finishing touches on, a few gifts to mail, and some baking I'd like to do.

I shall return with more interesting posts when I am finished. Wish me luck!

Love it!

2007-12-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

What more needs to be said, really?

Courtesy of www.obeythekitty.com

A Fun Day

2007-12-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

Today was one of the most fun days I've had in the last two months. I've had some fun days with my husband in the past few weeks, but, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. . . As you'll see from my story, I had a lot of fun today doing a whole lot of nothing.

My mom picked me up this morning at 9:00 so that we could race up to my Aunt's house to help her hide a very large gift for her husband (so large that it needs to be hidden at my mom's until Christmas so he won't accidentally find it). We spent a few hours there goofing around, then went to pick up one more gift for my uncle, stopping in a few stores just for fun. Around noon, we dropped my aunt off again so that she could head to work, then mom and I went for lunch and drove the hour back to our neck of the woods. I sat around while mom unpacked her suitcase and showed me some of the gifts she had purchased, and when the realtor called about showing the house, we raced around to try to pick the place up in time for the showing a mere 45 minutes later.*

After that, drinks with my brother and a little more Christmas shopping to finish off the things she didn't bring with her, and dinner at my place. We spent a full 12 hours together just having a good time. It's great to have that kind of relationship with my mom, considering so many people in the world don't.

*Side Note: Why in the hell do realtors always expect you to be able to show your house in the middle of the day when most people are at work? Houses rarely sell in the ideal 4 week time period, and it seems that they expect your house to be spotless at any time of the day.... it is, in fact ideal, but ideal generally falls short of the truth!

Mom

2007-12-12T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get in the habit of writing every single day, even if it's just a short little blog post. Call it some pre-resolution practice, or perhaps it's just another form of thesis prep. I find it difficult to find things to blog about, since there is little news on this end. However, I'm thrilled today that my mom is coming back from California today.

I've had various difficulties with my mom over the years, including a time period during college where I did everything in my power to avoid her. Her illness in my late teen years and early twenties was difficult to cope with. I was far from a saint (at any age) and wanted to spread my wings and shed some of the massive responsibility that I bore in those years with a distant father, two younger siblings and a mother who rarely got out of bed. As I get older and see patterns of behavior, I think it's becoming more possible to forgive myself for some of the terrible feelings I had at that age. Without placing too much blame, I do know now that it was wrong of my father to expect so much from a girl of 16 (as he still does now, with my younger sister of that age).

My mom is better these days, though she is still a shadow of her former self. In fact, the shadow is so long that it is difficult sometimes to recall with any clarity the person that cast it. As I've gotten older, I realize how much I am like her, how much her personality has shaped mine and I value her friendship so much. I've felt somewhat lost without her in the last 6 weeks that she's been gone. I know when she gets off the plane tonight she will be shattered, and that it will take her quite some time after her two hour flight before she's back up to her "best," but that's a part of who she is now.

This holiday season marks a new period in our lives. Soon she will decide (or make known her decision) if she is going to move to California with my sister to live with my dad again or if she will stay here and likely end their marriage. I, of course, am conflicted. I love my mom and my sister: since leaving Russia, they've become part of my daily lives, and I probably spend more time with them than I do any of my friends. I also don't wish to see my parents' 34 year marriage come to a halt. I want to see them happy, but I think that a move to California would be a bittersweet happiness for them.

Countdown to Graduation

2007-12-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Remaining this semester:
1 class
1 final paper (and associated reading).

Then I can officially start the countdown to graduation, which will look something like this:
1 course to teach (3 groups)
1 course to take
1 thesis to write and defend

May 9 is the day I will officially become an M.A. 150 days from now the party will begin!

Update

2007-12-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I went with my friend Irene to have a few drinks and we saw No Country for Old Men. It was great to get out of the house! I might post some thoughts on this movie a little bit later, but I'm still digesting the movie. Plus, Chris hasn't seen it yet, and I don't want to spoil the movie for when he rents it later...

This morning we puttered around the house before taking a trip through the winter wonderland to go to Lyons to see his parents at Oskars. Mmmm. Cajun food!

It's been snowing lightly but steadily since yesterday, and the conditions have been somewhat unusual for Colorado snow. It's rare that our snowstorms are followed by more wintery conditions: generally the snow is followed by brilliant sunshine that melts it all away. As a result, we got some gorgeous pictures:

On the way home, conditions were a little worse, and we saw this Toyota 4-runner in a ditch. Judging by the sign, the owner made it out fine, and may even have a sense of humor about the whole thing...

Grief

2007-12-07T11:19:00.001-08:00

Wow. A whole month has gone by and I haven't used this blog at all. In the two months since I've been laid off, I have gone through several strange cycles, much like the cycles of mourning. I realize that it sounds odd, that one would mourn the loss of a job the same way one would mourn a loved one, but it's true. I loved the job, or at least the idea of the job.

I certainly went through Shock, Denial, Anger, Barganing and Depression. Depression has certainly made its way around a few times, intermingled with what they call the "Testing" and Acceptance stages (as I try to seek realistic solutions). Although I understand how well off I am without this job from the tales told by former co-workers, it is still tough to shrug off the feeling of rejection.

Creativity has been elusive to me in these odd cycles of depression and hope, and the only modicum of creativity I mustered was spent on writing a short paper for class, one of a last few before I graduate.

Graduation and the start of a final semester brings with it a sense of a shining future, a whispered promise of time to do long-neglected hobbies. I used to read voraciously, swallowing 2, sometimes 3 novels each week. This love has been sorely neglected in pursuits of a more academic nature. Any book read of my own volition reminds me that I am guiltily neglecting my studies. I also used to write: poems, short stories and the beginnings of novels. My stash of writing also lies neglected, waiting for that dream-horizon of "when I finish my Thesis."

I realize how much I am squandering this period of time, that I should use my hours during the day reading and writing and indulging in past-times not afforded me by full time employment and a Master's program. I just need help turning on the creativity and inspiration!

The Beginning

2007-11-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

Being out of a job has been productive for me and has given me a chance to get in touch with my creative side again. Although not working has its disadvantages (primarily financial), it's been good for me to get back in touch with the things I want to do each day. Today I want to write a little, and I would love to (among other things) get back in touch with my creative writing habits of so many years ago. There's still that pesky thing called school lurking out there, but it interferes minimally with my daily life.

I've started crafting & creating, wishing I could turn this into a full time profession, and perhaps I will eventually...I have so many ideas, and I hope this blog will serve as a sometimes forum for me to explore those ideas....